Can counselling help my relationship, and do we go together?
Often it can help, because a counsellor gives the two of you a calm, fair space to talk and be heard, which is hard to manage at home when things are tense. Most couples go together, but you can also go on your own if your partner is not ready or if you want to think things through first. It does not mean the relationship is failing, and a counsellor will not tell you whether to stay or go.
What happens in relationship counselling
- A first meeting. The counsellor explains how they work, what is private and what is not, and asks each of you why you have come.
- Each person is heard. You take turns to say what is going on and what you would like to be different. A good counsellor keeps things fair and does not take sides.
- Looking at the pattern. Rather than who is right, you look at what keeps happening between you, such as the same row, the silences or the feeling of being unheard.
- Trying new ways to talk. Many counsellors help you practise listening, saying what you need without blame, and pausing before an argument grows.
- Something to try at home. You may be asked to try a small change between sessions and talk about how it went.
Do we go together or alone?
Usually together, because the aim is to change how the two of you communicate. But it is not the only way.
- Together. Best when you both want to work on things. Some counsellors also offer a short time alone with each of you.
- On your own. Useful if your partner does not want to come, or if you want to understand your own feelings and what you want. One person changing how they respond can shift things between you both.
- Separately with different counsellors. Some people do this alongside joint sessions, but check with your counsellor how that would work.
Try something tonight
Not ready to book yet? A short guided recording on calm or communication gives you something gentle to try tonight.
Relaxation recordings are not medical treatment. Please only listen somewhere safe where you can relax, never while driving.
Or see someone: find relationship counsellors near you
Relationship counsellors are listed with the counsellors in the Practitioner directory, each with a phone number. Pick your town:
Or by what you would like help with: relationships · Also: coaches
How many sessions will I need?
It varies, and your counsellor should talk it through with you early on. Many couples start with around six to eight weekly or fortnightly sessions and then review. Some find a few sessions give them what they need, and others carry on for longer if the difficulties go back a long way. Sessions usually last 50 to 60 minutes, though some counsellors book longer for couples.
Roughly what does it cost?
Private relationship counselling in the UK commonly costs from £60 a session, and often more in big cities. Sessions for couples can cost more than individual ones. Some counsellors offer a lower-priced first session or a short chat first, and some charity services ask for what you can afford. Check the price, the length of a session and the cancellation terms before you book.
Who it might not suit
Counselling works best when both people can speak openly and safely. If there is violence, threats, or one of you is afraid of the other, joint sessions are usually not the right place to start, and a good counsellor will tell you so and suggest other support. If you are afraid of your partner or in danger, call 999. You can also speak to your GP, who can point you to specialist support. It also tends to be hard going if one of you has already decided the relationship is over and is not willing to look at it. Even then, a few sessions can help you part more calmly.
Where it fits alongside other help
Counselling is not a medical treatment, but how you feel affects relationships and the other way round. If stress, low mood or anxiety are making things worse, it is worth seeing your GP as well, who can talk through the options on the NHS, including talking therapies. A good counsellor will tell you if another route is better first, and will not ask you to stop or change any care you are already getting.
How to choose a counsellor
Counselling is not a protected title in the UK, so look for someone who belongs to a professional body such as the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) or the UK Council for Psychotherapy, and ask what training they have in working with couples. Many offer a short first chat, and it is worth using it. Feeling that both of you can talk to them matters more than anything on a website.
More questions
What if my partner won't come?
You can still go on your own. Many people find it helps them understand what they want and how they respond in difficult moments, and sometimes a partner decides to join later.
Will the counsellor take sides?
A good relationship counsellor stays fair to both of you. If you ever feel they are siding with one person, say so in the session or ask for a different counsellor.
Will the counsellor tell us to split up?
No. Their job is to help you both see what is happening and decide for yourselves. They will not tell you what to do about the relationship.
Is it too late for counselling?
Many people go when things feel very stuck, and find it still helps them talk again or understand what went wrong. Earlier tends to be easier, but there is no point at which it is too late to try.
Can we do counselling online?
Yes. Many couples find video sessions easier to fit around work and children. If you want privacy, choose a time and a room where you can both talk freely.